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Confessions of a Mad Fat Pastor’s Wife.. Part ?

You may have heard… I have another blood clot.

DANGIT.

You may have read my series a few years back about the trauma of a massive Deep Vein Thrombosis that had me in the ICU for a bit.  If not.. Start here.

So it’s back.  Medicine has made quite a few improvements in the last 14 years.  The blood thinners they had me on before are far better, work better, have less side effects.

But if you know me, you know I hate conventional meds.  And I’ve spent 14 years doing my best to not have to use them.  Countless hours of research.  Natural doctor visits.  Weird alternative treatments.  Lots of money invested.

And not 1, but 3 trusted doctors have told me that because this is my second known event, along with my genetic mutations factored in, the need for life long use of blood thinners is mandatory.

DANGIT.

To say I’m discouraged would be an understatement.  To say I’m not internally panicking would be a lie.  To say giving up feels like the next step would be accurate.

A few have asked what it feels like.

It’s hard to describe.  I can’t walk more than 5 paces without having to stop.  My whole leg aches deeply and feels like it weighs 1000 pounds.  I have swollen veins up and down my abdomen and leg. But because my circulation is compromised, I get out of breath and dizzy within the first few steps.  Basically, I’m on modified bed rest till this clears up.

They haven’t given me a good indication of when that will be.

I want to cry.  I want to complain. I want to wail and lament. To despair.  And I have.  OHHHHH.. I have.

But… Jesus reminded me that gratefulness suffocates despair.  Hopelessness and despair cannot survive in a heart filled with gratitude.

Therefore, here’s my gratitude list and it’s what I can do today.

*I’m grateful for new medicine.

*I’m grateful we caught this early and hopefully, it isn’t as severe. We will know more after my scan Monday. (Updated to add: Scan confirmed 2 blood clots in the femoral artery and abdomen)

*I’m grateful that I get to recover in my own bed.  Praying it stays that way!

*I’m grateful for a husband who has grocery shopped, cleaned, done laundry, grilled dinner, put fresh sheets on the bed, driven me to the doctor, fetched me anything I’ve needed, wheeled me around in a wheelchair.  I’d be lost without him.

*I’m grateful for sweet helpful teenagers that don’t need to be supervised. I mean.. Right?

*I’m grateful for the prayers of the saints all around me and the offers of help.  Mom brought dinner. Seester went to Traders for me.  Rad church folk brought meals.  All the praise hands.

*I’m grateful for a God who isn’t surprised by this and all the things He wants to teach me through this.

*I’m grateful for loud authoritative worship music.  The louder, the better.

*I’m grateful that if this is the thing that’s going to take me out, I have had 18 years with a wonderful man and 14 more years to parent my lovies.  Grateful beyond measure.