Confessions of a Mad Fat Pastor’s Wife.. It’s about to get real up in here.
I met up with a friend today. After our hello hug, she told me how cute I was looking. Thing is, I didn’t feel cute. I don’t really ever feel cute.
I felt unkempt, and chubby, and thrown together. Today, my jeans were dirty. And I had the remnants of yesterday’s eye makeup smeared beneath my busy Sunday tired eyes. Maybe she thought I was going for a smokey eye look? I had managed to put a little powder, lipgloss and concealer on, but my hair had morphed itself into a messy ponytail. I hadn’t gone to a ton of effort because I was in a hurry, but the real truth is.. I didn’t/don’t want people to see the just rolled out of bed Sarah. So I made effort. Put a little mask on for the day, so to speak.
My friend is one of the most beautiful women, outside and in. I know that she isn’t a flatterer and wouldn’t say something unless she meant it. I just have a hard time accepting the kind words. The fact is, she has seen me bleary eyed, with a migraine, fresh from slumber, in all my headache induced glory. She brought me a tea, and she did not care what I looked like that day. I don’t have to pretend with her. And I need to remind myself of that next time I feel the urge to.
I guess I want the world.. my tiny, little, itty bitty world to know that masks, even ones made with makeup, are unnecessary.
World, if you knew the real Sarah… the Sarah that doesn’t have a speck of makeup on and didn’t have the energy to shower today.. let’s call her Smelly Sarah. The Sarah that comforted herself with a late snack 2 nights ago.. let’s call her Snacky Sarah. The Sarah whose body, most days, hurts so much she can’t think straight.. let’s call her Sick Sarah. The Sarah that spoke too sharply to her kids getting them ready for school this morning.. let’s call her Snippy Sarah. The Sarah that is still struggling with a deep betrayal, and wants to yell cuss words loudly.. let’s call her Snarky Sarah.
That Sarah. That smelly, snacky, sick, snippy, snarky Sarah? She is done pretending. She is tired of it, and tired of your constant chatter about what will make her more acceptable.
She is enough because God said she is. That is exactly what I whispered to my 10 year old little miss tonight at bedtime. She was comparing herself to another 10 year old that, in her mind, was better at something than she was/is. I placed her cheeks, her butter soft, precious as gold cheeks, in my hands and I repeated that phrase to her until she quieted. That awful world voice comes after all of us from the very start, right? Maybe, just maybe.. God had me go through my morning of un-masking, so that I could speak truthfully to my daughter.
He’s cool like that.
It is a choice to believe what God says about me, and it is a choice to believe what the world says about me. And there are some days that choosing rightly only comes after a hard fought, bloody battle in this crazy brain of mine.
And here’s what else. We all have a mask, an alter ego, the reeeaallly real us. And I desire a place where it’s ok to be that, and to be real, and to not always have it all together. And to be sure people understand that I, you, us, we don’t have to have it all together.
I am choosing to refuse the pursuit of the appearance of perfection.
Yes. Appearance… because perfection isn’t attainable. No matter what they say.
And.. I know it’s one of the many reasons I love our church community so much. The pastor doesn’t have it together, and makes no pretense that he does. The pastor’s wife clearly doesn’t.. I mean, have you met me? And the folks that are in it to win it, the ones that have stayed in the game and given their all, the ones that haven’t bailed when things got hard? They make no pretense either. Hey.. if churchy perfection is your thing, and vulnerability isn’t, we just aren’t the place for you. No hard feelings. 🙂
And listen.. If you do happen to run into Smelly etc, etc, etc. Sarah, can you do me a solid? Hold your breath, give her a hug, and be Jesus to her for a minute. She will try to do the same for you, if she should happen upon your alter ego that you don’t want the world to see. Deal?
Happy Un-Masking. 🙂